Even though our minds are often likened to computers, there are a two buttons missing that would be really nice to have sometimes – “volume”(or “mute”) and “delete”. If you’re like many people, throughout any given day your brain is bombarded with a barrage of harshly critical self-talk which you would never dream of saying to anyone else. But you give that unruly hurtful voice free reign in your own head!
So, how do your turn it off? You know it’s destructive to your self-esteem, not to mention your confidence. And it definitely knows how to get right to your Achilles heel! Yet, no matter how hard you try it berates you relentlessly. Well, there is a way to use your personal power to silence it….
1. Recognize the voice. When your self-talk is particularly harsh or critical, ask yourself whose voice it really is? Is it your father, who, despite good intentions always seemed to find fault in everything you do? Perhaps he focused on that one B on your report card rather than praise you for all the A’s you received. Most likely, he did so because he wanted you to be the very best in order to have the most advantages in life. But to you his criticism felt hurtful, didn’t it?
2. Once you recognize the voice (and if you can’t quite pinpoint it, that’s okay), talk back to it out loud (or to the person it belongs to, as if that person was right there with you). Just a hint, it’s best to do this when no one else is around! Talk back to it calmly but firmly. As you talk to the voice, thank it for all the help it has been trying to provide. Tell it that, while you are grateful, you no longer need it. And then tell it to be on its way.
As silly as this part of the exercise sounds, it can be quite effective. You really don’t need to be a victim of your own hurtful self talk. You’d most likely never dream of talking to your best friend so harshly or to anyone else you respect and value. So it isn’t okay to talk to yourself that way either!
3. Whenever that derogatory voice comes around to serve you another helping of self-flagellation, quickly thank it and then begin talking to yourself just as you would your dearest friend. Be gentle, kind, understanding and supportive. Perhaps remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, or think about all your many wonderful traits and say them out loud. For example, “I am a wonderful person with a compassionate, loving heart”, or “I know I am doing the best I can in this difficult situation, and it’s okay that I make mistakes as I go – that’s how I learn.”
Much of your negative self-talk is habitual, so by doing these steps when you start getting down on yourself, you become more aware of the habit and can thus begin to replace it with positive self-talk. In time, you will find that you have a healthier self-esteem and greater confidence than you ever imagined – and much happier thoughts!
As a personal power coach, I have spent countless hours with helping people practice positive self talk. Just like the fish in the bowl, have the courage to live your dreams. I would love to hear your practices for positive self talk.
